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Jokes! Shorties
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goofy guy

***For those who take life too seriously***

  • Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
  • A day without sunshine is like, night.
  • On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  • I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
  • 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  • Honk if you love peace and quiet.
  • Remember, half the people you know are below average.
  • He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  • The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
  • Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
  • Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
  • You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
  • Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
  • Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
  • Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
  • If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
  • How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
  • OK, so what's the speed of dark?
  • How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  • When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
  • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends.
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  • 24 hours in a day? 24 beers in a case?. Coincidence?
  • Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire
  • Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  • I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
  • I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

***Sayings that should be on buttons***

1. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
2. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
3. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
4. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

5. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
6. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
7. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
8. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
9. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

10. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
11. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
13. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

14. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
15. You! Off my planet!


***One Liners***

  • Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
  • Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
  • My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
  • Every time I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought goes away.
  • I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
  • Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
  • Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
  • Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
  • You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
  • I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
  • Remember, as we get older we no longer have hot flashes. We now have power surges.


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