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Actual Employee Evaluations
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    The following were taken from actual employee evaluations:

  • Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.
  • His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
  • I would not allow this man to breed.
  • This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.
  • Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
  • When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
  • He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
  • This man has delusions of adequacy.
  • He sets low personal standards and consistently fails to achieve them.
  • This employee should go far -- the sooner he starts, the better.
  • This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
  • Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't looking.
  • Got a full six-pack, but is missing the plastic thingy that holds it together.
  • A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
  • A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
  • Bright as Alaska in December.
  • Donated his brain to science before he was quite finished using it.
  • Fell out of his family tree.
  • The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
  • This man has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
  • If brains were taxed, he would get a rebate.
  • Any dumber and he would have to be watered twice a week.
  • If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you would get change back.
  • If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
  • It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
  • Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he gargled.
  • Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.


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